When I began to wholly, honestly, and completely give my life over to the will of God and actively live the process of seeking, hearing, and following His divine guidance, I began relying on the Holy Spirit to guide my footsteps. This is what Christian Wellness is all about.
Being reborn by the Spirit and ordained by Christ (John 15:16), He empowered me with the boldness that’s required in this world to proclaim His power and glory to whomever, wherever, and in whatever circumstances.
Although I can be bold and resolute when talking about God, shining any kind of light on myself in any way, I’m not so emboldened. Even so, the more I commune with the Holy Spirit, the more He heals me and releases me from the binds of trauma that I have experienced and the tangible impact that enveloped me mentally, physically, and emotionally.
But every now and then, when I feel so light and “on track” something or someone attempts to derail me and the work that God has given me to do. If my spirit isn’t intentionally and soundly planted in God’s truth, love, and light I cannot feed His sheep as He told us to do if we love Him. (Matthew 13:8), (Mark 4:8) (Luke 8:8), (John 21-17)
Because of the multiple past traumas I’ve experienced through childhood critical growth periods, I have to fight the desire to hide and not be seen, looked at, or acknowledged in any type of desirable manner. In the past, I’ve cloaked myself in invisibility by attempting to blend in; having my hair long and covering my face, layering on oversized clothes in muted tones, not wearing make-up or jewelry, etc. Futilely trying to hide in plain sight.
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After God illuminated me a few years ago, (Ephesians 1:18) I literally and figuratively began peeling away the mental, physical, and spiritual layers that were hiding me from the world and more importantly – God’s truth.
When I began releasing the trauma the Holy Spirit, through no conscious thought, effort, or action on my part, began changing me. Among other things, I was experiencing the fruits of the healing. I didn’t care as much anymore if I was seen, I just wanted to be at one with God. I started wearing my hair in a ponytail, choosing clothing that fits, etc. The bottom line is I don’t focus on camouflaging myself in any way any more.
But the problem with removing those layers highlights the real underlying problem itself. Because those layers that were placed there to provide a protective barrier have been removed and this allows me to be seen and be vulnerable. Which really means giving up the false control I thought I had and being subjected to interactions with people that could be potentially positive or negative.
And that vulnerability causes an uncomfortable state within me that can lead me to mentally scramble back to my old falsely protective habits. I say “falsely” because I only was ever hiding from myself.
I’m sharing this with you because I think it’s important for me to be outright and forthcoming with my true self. By showing each other our messes, we can openly heal and love one another. Don’t shake your head, clutch your pearls, and exclaim – MY PRIVACY! I’m not suggesting you have to bare your everything to the world, but on the other hand, having a holier-than-thou type of attitude or only showing the Pinterest-worthy side of your life is not authentic and it just harms other people’s psyche, and overall creates a fake narrative of your life that really puts a barrier between you and actual reality.
Because of my shape, my breasts, my hair, my smile, or for whatever reason, when I am out in the world people (mostly men, sometimes women) have said inappropriately sexually suggestive things to me, or touched me or my hair randomly, and have actually stalked me (four true blue, textbook-case stalkers!)
I’d been at the thrift store book section for about 10 minutes. I see a book that catches my eye on the bottom shelf. I’m dressed in leggings and a tank top.
I squat down to look at the shelf and I hear a booming, “GOD D**N, mmm, mmm, mmm…ahhh!” come from a random man walking by and he crashes his cart into a full bin of throw pillows and they land everywhere. He looks me straight in the eyes and says, “I’ll be back” and continues shopping.
I’m just staring in disgust and an older woman near me turns to me and tsks saying, “now was all that really necessary?” I wanted to blink out of existence. I was mortified.
This is just one story but I have a multitude of similar experiences. Many interactions witnessed by friends and family had them scratching their heads, saying something like, “I’ve never seen such a thing in my life!” or something along those lines. Although anyone in the circumstance I described would feel awkward as a former kidnapping victim (survivor) and a survivor of a severely mentally ill parent, being approached by a man loudly and unexpectedly- even respectfully – can cause my PTSD to flare up, induce panic, and overall be just extremely terrifying for me.
This interaction had thrown me off balance and got me fuming and embarrassed. I immediately stopped browsing the book section, hurried to the counter to buy whatever was in my cart already, made my purchase, and bolted for the car.
Driving home, I babbled to God for about an hour. My mind started rapidly cycling through thoughts and emotions. I cried out to Him, begging Him for answers that really don’t matter. What is it about me that people feel it’s ok to do this type of thing to me over and over again? What’s wrong with me? ….On and on my emotions and self-doubt whirl.
Sometimes we are the lambs that need feeding and sometimes we are able to provide subsistence for other members of His flock.
-Rachael Alford, Joyfully Thankful
But because today I live in His Word and truth (John 17:17) I am able to be fully transparent and reach out and openly share my grievances, thoughts, and true feelings with other believers. And I’ve been so generously blessed by having my sister by blood also be my sister in Christ. She reminds me of God’s words, His truth, and His love over and over again. Even spoon-feeding it to me when needed at times.
Sometimes we are the lambs that need feeding and sometimes we are able to provide subsistence for other members of His flock. (ACTS 20:28) This is how God reminds me of His truth and love when I’m too entrenched in the emotional chaos of the moment to hear Him.
He always places a believer in my path to hold my hand on the journey. Her tending to me helped me to be able to sit alone, calm myself, and be still until all I was able to experience was the Holy Spirit’s presence indwelt, and His comfort all-encompassing as the living water He promised flowed within me. (John 4:14)
He strengthens me again and again. I will do as I was commanded. I won’t hide the precious light He has given me ever again, for no one (Matthew 5:16). I may be emotional, and I may be scared but I won’t stop following Him. I trust that the Holy Spirit is my soul protector as He always has been and I will continue to do His work and follow His will for His glory.
I challenge you to be that truth for someone. Remind them of God’s words, His love, His power, and His glory. Help them keep His love for them at the forefront of their minds and in their hearts. Help someone else stay steadfast on the journey. If you love Him, feed His sheep. (John 21:15-17), (1 Peter 5:2)
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